Hidden Identities: Known and Sharpened

We knew each other just well enough to say yes to do a book study together, but in reality, none of us were truly known. So, as the six of us sat around the table the first day, smiling nervously, we recognized we had set ourselves up for vulnerability. We had said ‘yes’ to a risk that could reap spiritual rewards – or fall flat, depending on how much we trusted God and each other.

Brené Brown describes vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”¹ It’s that wobbly feeling that rises within us each time we step out of our comfort zones with people – because vulnerability forces us to loosen our grip on control. There’s a bit of a chicken-and-egg relationship between vulnerability and authenticity – to be our True Selves, we must open ourselves up to be known. And vice-versa:

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we actually are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to be vulnerable.”²

I’m proud to say that the six of us, by taking steps toward true authenticity and vulnerability, discovered much about ourselves and each other as we moved through two challenging books. In many ways, God moved mountains to make those nine months happen – I think because He desired for us to experience iron sharpening iron. 

When Scripture says “iron sharpens iron,” it’s not just a figurative idea – it’s a reality (Proverbs 27:17). Friends need friends so they can be known…and honed. Alone we grow dull. Ineffective in our battles. Stale in our faith. Together, we rub up against each other with our questions and assumptions, our insights and delights. We sharpen.

Yet, in a culture that is pain-averse and good at hiding, we need wisdom as we seek to be known and sharpened. It’s a good thing, then, that Jesus leads by example.

Jesus Did It

In our quest to be shaped into little-Christs,³ we must acknowledge that being known by other believers is a must. But we certainly can’t, and shouldn’t, be known by everyone. Just a trustworthy few. We can use the image of concentric circles to observe Jesus’ model for living in community. Our Good Shepherd demonstrates for us how to be shepherds of our own relationships!

First, Jesus had His Inner Circle, The Three: Peter, James, John. They’re the ones He invited in to watch Him raise people from the dead, to witness His transfiguration, and to pray for Him on His final night. They’re the ones He spoke to directly and invested in the most. 

Then He had His Team, The Twelve. The ones we think of when we hear the word, ‘disciples’. Or ‘apostles’. The ones He went out and chose. He called them by name and brought them in close. They’re the ones He sent out with the Good News. They’re the ones who asked Him the hard questions everyone else was thinking – because they knew He loved them. They’re the ones He had beside Him when He ascended to heaven. 

But, Jesus knew a lot more people than twelve. He actually had at least seventy-two in His circle at one point – because He sent them out too (Luke 10:1). Paul says Resurrected Jesus appeared to five hundred people at one time – people, we’d assume, that He knew (1 Corinthians 15:6). However, Jesus was not BFFs with five hundred people. They were in his circle of friendships but more at an acquaintance level. He knew them but not intimately like the Three or even the Twelve. 

A friend and I actually used this very model years ago when we led a women’s retreat. So, imagine my delight when I turned the page in Jennie Allen’s recent book to see the same ideas outlined. I like how she defines that second circle – as The Village, “a diverse community of consistent, interconnected people.”⁴ She adds to the Acquaintances circle this little bit of definition: they’re our Christmas card list. People we care about but are not close with.

She also did lots of research and found that the scientific consensus is that most people cannot manage a network of more than one hundred fifty friends. Interestingly, that same science says the Team, or Village, shouldn’t be more than fifteen (hello, Twelve). And that our inner circle is healthiest at three to five. Isn’t it fun when science lines up with Scripture?!

We’re wise to build our friendship networks within such healthy boundaries – neither expecting too little nor too much of our people. What we’d tell our inner circle would not be wise or sustainable with acquaintances. It’s okay for us to have friends we just hang out with every once in a while – as long as we have those we’re more intimate with too. And, at every level, with every relationship, the goal is to always keep Christ at the center.

I have to tell you how permission-giving all this was for me the first time I learned about these circles. The older I got the more guilt I heaped on myself because I couldn’t keep up with all the different friends – high school friends, church friends, college friends, Houston friends, Corpus friends…there was literally not enough time in the day. I had to learn to be okay with navigating life with a few close friends, leaning into the ‘team’, and enjoying the bigger group when I could. 

Let’s remember – the goal of being known is not so we can boast a high number of ‘friends’ but so we can share our True Selves with the inner circle of believing friends God has placed in our paths. Intimacy builds bonds. And it sharpens us as Jesus-followers.

Sharpened

Our youngest son is a chef. And his BIGGEST pet-peeve is a dull knife. The funny thing is I’ve always been afraid of a sharp knife, so this ‘kid’ of mine has been stretching me. In fact, he’s made me a believer. My knife stays pretty sharp now, and it makes all the difference as I chop my veggies.

You could say, my son sharpened me. And, ultimately, when we live in Christian community that’s what should happen to us. In order to build our circles in such a way that we are made more sharp and can, in turn, sharpen others, we must acknowledge the effort, intentionality, and courage it will take – and know that it’s worth it.

The best decisions I’ve made in my adult life have been when I’ve said ‘yes’ to invitations to step into deeper waters with believing women. From larger groups that focused on prayer and worship to smaller groups who sat together weekly to share the struggles of life and faith, I’ve been shaped and sharpened by numerous women. Some have encouraged me; others have challenged me. Some have prayed for me; others have taught me how to pray. Some have held me accountable; others have grabbed my hand and led me toward FUN!

It hasn’t always been easy. Or convenient. But every time that I have prioritized building key inner-circle relationships, it has paid off – even if only for a season. Those years of diving into Beth Moore Bible studies with a group at my church grew me exponentially – yes, because we got to know the Word better but also because we shared in smaller groups from our hearts. The time and vulnerability strengthened my faith and made me a better mom and wife. 

These last four years, the inner circle has been harder to navigate – mostly one friend at a time, here-and-there. On the phone. Or a video chat. Or, blessedly, for an in-person one-on-one study. I’ve realized that in this season God limited my connections so that I would focus on my relationship with Him even more. But, in His kindness, He showed me how to say ‘yes’ to the ones I needed. Now, as we anticipate our next move, I wonder what friendships will look like. 

Your story is different than mine. Your season may be flourishing with acquaintances but you lack the depth of an inner-circle. Or you may still find yourself hiding in the shadows with a longing for one true friend. But, here is the truth – we all need true, godly relationships. 

Building the Team

There is nothing like the present to pause and evaluate where we are and who we have in our lives. Jennie would say it’s time to “gather our team” – first, by assessing what we need and, second, by having the gumption to go out and get it.⁵ While there may not be an easy formula to follow or a risk-free guarantee, Jennie does offer up helpful hints for finding friends – for being known:

1. Seek out healthy people. She suggests we might “look for someone whose life shouts” Paul’s words: “Follow me, as I follow Christ” (1 Corinthians 1:11). Note, she does stress we’re not looking for perfect people; but we do want whole and healthy people. For instance, does this woman seem closed off or comfortable with people? Or, do you feel seen and valued when you interact with her? Does she listen well? Is she motivated to grow?
2. Just ask. Funny enough, I had just read this particular book⁵ a few months before our move to Texas – and this simple encouragement stayed on the forefront of my mind as I navigated all the NEW. It took about four tries of “just asking” till one hit the blue ribbon prize. And, boy, was it worth it!
3. Say yes. No matter our personalities, every once in a while it’s healthy to say yes to invitations – whether it’s to coffee or a book club or into deeper friendship. “We can do life together only if we’re actually together from time to time.”⁵
4. Be all of you, fast. Because the walls we’ve built up can trap us in places of self-sufficiency and shame, it’s important that when we’re ready to say yes to an inner-circle type of friend, each of us “be all of you right away so that your friend gets you – the real you.”⁵ Here’s what’s so true that I laughed out loud: in being our true selves, “we may scare off the wrong people sooner, but we bring in the right people more quickly too!”⁵ 
5. Bother others, and let others bother you. Too often I’m just too nice, or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to actually be a bother. But, when I read, “When you notice your friend isn’t herself, bug her until she shoots straight,”⁵ I realize how important it is to do some pushing sometimes. Because, the reverse is also true – there are times I want someone to bug me. 😉 Bottom line: be the friend you wish others would be for you.⁵ 

As I’ve longed for and found inner-circle friendships over the years, I have come to know in my bones just how much we all need to be seen and known. And when I look back over each close relationship or group I’ve said yes to, I recognize in myself just how much each conversation and prayer and encouragement has shaped me. My life has truly been sharpened by godly women in my life – because I allowed them to. And I have done my best to reciprocate.

In my heart of hearts, I long for every woman to experience the beauty of being known by someone who loves and values them as Jesus does. So – here’s an invitation to be wise and bold and brave. 

• If you don’t have that inner circle, who is one person you could start with? 
• If you are surrounded by people yet never feel truly seen, which person seems the healthiest in the crowd – what if you asked her to coffee? 
• If you have been hiding, maybe it’s time to assess one step you can take to come out of the shadows and let yourself be seen – who might you text or call? 
• If you feel full because your friendships are flourishing, how might you mentor someone who struggles with loneliness?

Not one of these questions is easy or comfortable. But they’re all great first steps toward allowing yourself, or helping someone else, be known. “If we want to approach life fully in the way that Jesus Himself modeled, then we will do life together instead of choosing to go it alone.”⁵ 

Friends, let’s look to our Good Shepherd and be led by His wisdom. I’m praying that each of us discovers how and who to do this faith-life with – because it’s only with others that we’ll ever get to be ourselves and to live as Christ has created us. Here’s to being known and sharpened!

Father God, we come to You today with hearts that are a bit wobbly. We feel that tension within  us that pulls one way, that says stay safe and alone, and another that says take the chance. When we look at Jesus, we recognize how intentional He was in building His network of relationships. And we know Him enough to realize that He was modeling for us a way to navigate this life in community. So, we ask that You would be our wisdom in leading us to the woman or women that You would have us come alongside as our inner circle. Lord Jesus, our Good Shepherd, we’re so grateful for all the ways You drew near people as You walked this earth. You were good at getting alone with God to pray, but the rest of the time You immersed yourself in the lives of the people around You. And we want to do the same. We are ready to be sharpened by women who love You as much as we do, so we ask that You would be our courage as we take first steps to ask someone to join us. Holy Spirit, we ‘know that we know’ there is no way we can do this inner-circle life without You. We ask that You’d be our Counselor and Helper. We look to You to be God’s voice in our hearts so that we know how this connected life might look in this season. We ask your blessing on us as our inner circles meet, that You’d help us live out ‘iron sharpening iron’. We also ask that You’d help us navigate our boundaries knowing when to say ‘yes’ and when to hold back – because we know that every season holds different abilities and energies. Help us to accept the grace You extend to us so that we don’t beat ourselves up or give up on the quest of being known. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.
(Inspired by Jesus’ life 😀, Proverbs 2:6; Ephesians 6:10; John 14:26; Proverbs 27:17; 2 Corinthians 12:9; Galatians 4:6-7)

Resources: I love sharing with you the books, podcasts, articles, and anything else that has inspired, encouraged, or taught me. These are humble offerings with no expectations.

• 1 – From Brené Brown’s book, Daring Greatly.
• 2 – From Brené Brown’s book, The Power of Vulnerability.
• 3 – “Christian” comes from the Greek word christianos, meaning “little Christ.”
• 4 – Jennie Allen’s recent book is titled Find Your People.^ I’m still reading it, but she’s totally onto something huge!! 
• 5 – Jennie Allen’s book, Get Out of Your Head,^ has an incredible chapter on being known.
• Many of the songs on our Hidden Identities playlist give us words to believe — about God, about ourselves, and about the other voices in our lives that want to keep us hidden in the shadows. So, find one or two that can be your anthem — ones that give you language for what your heart needs. Maybe you need to remember that “He Knows” or that God is the only who gets to say who you are (“Who You Say I am”) or that this is not the end because you are “Unfinished” — still a work being shaped and sharpened in the Father’s hands. I do love Brandon Lake’s song “Tear Off the Roof” because it’s a picture of an inner circle of friends stepping in for one of their own in a most dramatic, bold fashion!
• What would YOU like to read about in our next issue of The Abiding Life newsletter? Reply in the comments below or email me directly. Be sure to subscribe here if you’d like to receive future issues.

Rhythms: As my newsletter’s title infers, we seek to develop an abiding life in this space — a place where we can get informed but also be transformed as we learn to abide in God’s presence throughout our days. I like to think that developing rhythms is one way to aid us in our desire to become more Christlike.

• As we lean into the process of learning more about ourselves — our true identities in Christ — we are going to step into the spiritual practice of REST. In her book, The Life You Long For, Christy Nockles uses her own image of concentric circles — a bullseye — to describe how to live the abiding life. In both circle graphics (Jennie’s and Christy’s), Jesus is at the center. It’s a living ‘in Christ’ that enables us to embrace and embody our Belovedness. From that centered life, we are able to move into those outer rings — the ones with all the people — with a humble, holy confidence that gets its source from allowing ourselves to be truly known by God. And others.
  
  When we live from that life in Christ, we discover a rest like no other (Matthew 11:28-30).
  
  So, this week, let’s ABIDE. Let’s move ourselves to that bullseye with Christ and just be. Let’s lay down our fears, our hopes and allow Him to love us fully — that way when the time comes, we’re rested and ready to move out among our people as our True Selves. Rested. Beloved. Receptive. Bold.
  
  And, let’s recognize that this True Rest that only comes as we dwell in Christ is something we have to seek daily. It’s like manna — available and enough for everyday, but not tomorrow because it’s a dependence on God. Not ourselves. And like manna, we have to get out of our tents to gather it. ‘In Christ’ is our rest. And this kind of rest enables us to engage with others with authenticity and vulnerability.
   

• And while it’s not a spiritual practice or rhythm, I invite you to share this site. This is such an important topic that I want as many people as possible to join us here. Together we’ll find support and encouragement and the simple truth that we are not alone in our struggles.

Featured Photo by C D-X on Unsplash.
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