I can’t tell you how many times I watched Pretty Woman throughout the nineties, but it was a lot. I didn’t think much about why I loved it, but as I reflect on it now, I believe it had a lot to do with transformation. Both main characters, Vivian and Edward, changed right before our eyes, but it was Vivian that held my gaze. And my heart.
It didn’t take long in the movie to realize that Vivian-the-streetwalker was hiding behind her ‘professional’ persona. There was more to Vivian than met the eye. Trapped by her circumstances and chained to her own insecurities, Vivian started-off believing she could not be more than what she was. But as the story moved forward, we witnessed how Vivian met every challenge with determination. Even when she was ignored or snubbed, she didn’t give up – because she had found someone who believed in her.
Little by little the hard edges softened, belief in herself grew, and the real Vivian emerged.
The more I watch Pretty Woman, the more I recognize there’s a little bit of Vivian in all of us. There are moments we compare ourselves to others, and our confidence plummets. There are days we believe we will never be enough and quit trying. There are seasons we get stuck behind our insecurities and can’t break free.
And, like Vivian, our white knight rescues us. Only our Savior is a king – the King of Kings. Despite His vaulted position, however, He rides in everyday to remind us of our belovedness. He plants Himself in front of us as a constant reminder that our worth, our confidence, our security come not from ourselves but from Him.
Security. It’s a basic need of every human. We need shelter to survive. We need a sense of safety to thrive. And our King is here to tell us that we can walk away from every insecurity because He is enough for all of it, for all of us. In Christ, we are enough.
Inadequate to Insecure
When Vivian first stepped into Edward’s grand hotel, she wrapped the coat, and her arms, tightly around herself, barely looking through her hair at all the eyes staring at her. She knew she was different, didn’t fit in – didn’t measure up.
Most of us have had a similar moment or season – like the time I showed up at my husband’s company Christmas party wearing a sparkly, seasonal t-shirt when every other woman wore something more akin to a prom dress. I worked hard not to meet the eyes of those women and did my best to hide behind my husband because I hated being so different, so not enough.
I remember talking to God a lot that night, trying so hard to lay down old insecurities triggered by my new circumstance. I knew better than to compare myself to others, but I got stuck in feelings of shame and humiliation. And let me just say those feelings were self-imposed. Not one person said a thing to me. That night I simply let insecurity rob me of my true identity. And joy.
Comparison can crush us with inadequacy. Whether we’re looking at other women on social media and comparing their outer worlds with our inner lives or looking inward at our perceived inabilities, we can feel like we’re not enough. But at the root of inadequacy is insecurity – that sense of not being safe, not belonging.1 Not known.
Insecurity “breeds voices that belittle.”2 And it opens the door to our enemy. Even as our own thoughts and feelings spiral, Satan feeds them with his lies of shame and guilt and basic not-enough-ness. He wants to trap us in our self-distractedness. And here’s why – because he wants to keep us from looking to Jesus. He knows that in the presence and love of Christ we will know who we really are. He knows we’ll flourish as our True Selves when we live in Christ.
We also need to recognize that “when we believe we’re not good enough, we’re placing ourselves at the center and pushing Jesus to the fringes.”1 Even though insecurity, fed by shame, feels like removing ourselves from the spotlight, from the throne of our lives, it’s quite the opposite. We’re still making it about us.
That’s why Jesus tells us to come to Him, to let Him take center stage of all we are and do. Because in Him, we are “redefined, no longer inadequate or insufficient. We’re qualified and free because Jesus is enough” (re: Colossians 1:3-14).1 In Christ, we can exchange “a false image for a true identity.”3 In Christ, we can trade our tattered shirts of insecurity for robes of righteousness (Isaiah 61:10).
Hubris to Humility
Just as easily as comparison can lead to insecurity, it can also feed our egos. And, I must say, there are few characters with a bigger ego than Edward’s lawyer – the one who thought himself waaaay above Vivian. That guy was full of hubris.
Though I’ve always had a love for the word hubris – the Greek word meaning pride, a too-high-view of self – I don’t like seeing it in myself. In my younger years, I only pictured ‘pride’ as that snobby quality in someone who thought themselves elevated over others. So, ironically, I used to pride myself about not being prideful. LOL. Then I picked-up Beth Moore’s Breaking Free study, and my eyes were opened to all the facets of pride. And much to my horror, I realized I had a huge pride issue.
Every so often, God helps me peel back another ‘pride’ layer so that I can live more humbly – more aware of my tendencies to be defined by what I do and accomplish, to believe that I can do all things. Granted, these ways of thinking are subtle, often hidden behind well-meaning encouragement.
- Shelley, you can do whatever you set your mind to.
- Shelley, if you work hard enough, you can achieve great things.
- Shelley, you are worth it.
- Shelley, you deserve it.
- Shelley, you earned this.
Obviously, the commercials didn’t actually use my name. And the American dream was not addressed solely to me – but I think you get the idea. The world has influenced our way of thinking since our earliest days, saturating our minds with incredibly self-focused motivations. These ideas shape us to the point that we live from these principles.
The problem is when we start living from these ideals, we can believe we are unlimited.
It used to shock me in my teens when I’d get sick after pushing my body week after week without adequate rest. It still frustrates me when my body or the clock or my abilities hinder my productivity. It turns out, in fact, I have limitations. We all have limitations.
We can fight them, resent them, be defeated by them – or, we can embrace them. But even in the acts of wrestling through and acknowledging our limits, we want to lean into God and work through them with Him; otherwise, we trap ourselves in the vicious “I can do it” cycle.
When we realize that “learning to embrace our limitations is actually worship,” we will take an important step toward living out our full identity in Christ.1 We will take hold of the truth that “we are not God. He is!”1
Hubris tells us we can do it all by ourselves. Humility reminds us that without Christ we can do nothing. Hubris beats us up when we fail or fall short. Humility tells us to quit living as though we have no limits – to stop living as if God is limited!1
Friends, as is the usual, the gospel stands quite opposite of the world. It’s not about us. It’s not all on us. And weakness is something to boast about (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
Self-Focused to Self-Forgetfulness
Whether we’re thinking too much of ourselves or too little, we’re self-focused. When we care too much what other people think of us, we’re putting our self-worth in the hands of others. Neither living up to someone else’s standards nor our own will lead to deliverance from our fragile egos.4
In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul addresses these human-tendencies when he finds himself being compared to other gospel teachers – and deemed lacking by those who judge him (1 Corinthians 3:21-4:7). His response demonstrates that Paul no longer looks to people for his self-worth; he no longer connects his sin to his identity.4 In fact, Paul has ceased to think of himself at all – something Tim Keller has dubbed ‘self-forgetfulness’.4
“True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience and conversation with myself. …I stop thinking about myself. The freedom of self-forgetfulness.”4
Because of his maturing faith in Christ, Paul lives without thought of self – and that is quite different from thinking less of self. He doesn’t demean himself. He isn’t self-deprecating. He just, actually, doesn’t think of himself at all – because all his thoughts center on Christ. Jesus is the only judge Paul listens to. Paul lives from his belovedness, which leads to great action, but it’s the opposite motivation of us as we try to do all the things in order to gain love or recognition or honor or value…
Here’s the truth. Everyday, living in this world, we’re on trial. We’re being judged, called to measure up on so many levels. What Paul figured out, and what is available to us, is a freedom from such pressures – because Jesus. He’s already been tried and judged and punished for us. His perfect performance has already been imputed to us.4 And that means when we live from self-forgetfulness, we’re taken out of the courtroom. We’re no longer on trial because the verdict is already in4 – we are Christ’s. And in Him we are beloved. Righteous. Holy. Perfected. Good.
In Christ, we are never forgotten. And that means we don’t have to keep thinking about ourselves.
Behind every insecurity hides a false belief – about ourselves or others. While it takes time to peel back the layers of self, with the help of our kind King, we can identify the source of all our feelings of less-than, more-than, and not-enough. Our King of Kings – the One who is our enough – rides a white horse as He swoops in to save us from ourselves, to rescue us from a life entrapped by too much thought of self. He extends to us a freedom that is only found in Him: freedom of self-forgetfulness. And when we live from such freedom, from our belovedness, we find ourselves transformed within our own stories. We become, at long last, secure as our True Selves.
Father God, how we marvel at the way You love us. You always see us and move toward us. You know our thoughts and motivations, yet You lean-in, longing to help us align our hearts and minds and souls with You – rather than with the world or even our broken selves. Today, we look to You with the hope of transformation. May we lay down all thoughts of self at your feet and fix our eyes on You. May we never, ever again believe that You, our Father, are limited. Lord Jesus, we thank You for taking on every punishment due to us. We thank You that You have already died for all of our shortcomings and sins. We ask that You would pour out your grace on us in such a way that we would absorb its life-changing power – so that the hold of the world and our own self-focus would finally, once and for all, be broken in us. Holy Spirit, we ask for your help as we navigate every layer of self-centeredness that needs to be peeled back and redeemed. May we find the humility we need to speak our weaknesses aloud before You and find the strength we desire in Christ. In Christ may the stronghold of insecurity be shattered so that we are no longer defined by what people think or what our own fears speak over us. And, as insecurity is dashed on the rocks of our belovedness, may our sense of self be found in our King of Kings – may we finally be free from thinking of self at all. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.
(inspired by John 3:16; Psalm 33:13; Deuteronomy 31:8; Hebrews 12:2; Luke 1:37; Romans 3:23-25; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10; 1 John 3:1)
Resources: I love sharing with you the books, podcasts, articles, and anything else that has inspired, encouraged, or taught me. These are humble offerings with no expectations.
- 1 – Gretchen Saffles in her Bible study, Redefined: A Bible Study on Identity in Christ, p.52, 53, 55, 96, 134
- 2 – Paige Allen, He Knows Your Name,^ p.127
- 3 – Wake Up Call, JD Walt, 6/14/24
- 4 – Tim Keller, The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness,^ 27-31, 38-43 – this is a short book that packs a punch. I’ve seen authors, like Gretchen Saffles and Sharon Hodde Miller, quote Tim Keller and his idea of self-forgetfulness over the years, and I finally read it for myself! 🙂
- It’s crazy how some weeks there’s a song on our Hidden Identities playlist that’s PERFECT for the theme — and I didn’t plan it that way. That’s this week! I chose “Shadow” by Flow Worship for this playlist because of the line, “I gain my identity (in your majesty).” But as I was reading through the lyrics recently, I realized the song says so much more to our topic this week:
I bow down before You my King of Kings
I dwell here in your security
I’m safe and sound
Face to the ground
Hidden in your shadow
All. The. Words. King of Kings. Security. Hidden. Just wow. Thank You, Lord! - What would YOU like to read about in our next issue of The Abiding Life newsletter? Reply in the comments below or email me directly. Be sure to subscribe here if you’d like to receive future issues.
Rhythms: As my newsletter’s title infers, we seek to develop an abiding life in this space — a place where we can get informed but also be transformed as we learn to abide in God’s presence throughout our days. I like to think that developing rhythms is one way to aid us in our desire to become more Christlike.
- As we lean into the process of learning more about ourselves — our true identities in Christ — we are going to step into the spiritual practice of REST. There is nothing more exhausting than trying to live from our own strength — especially when we do so in order to have that sense of worth. Christy Nockels, in her book The Life You Long For, gives us affirmation of all we’ve been learning this week.
“When you live from your Belovedness, it’s like a master class for living in your fullest God-given capacity.” (p.114)
It’s not striving or proving. It’s not comparing or sizing-up. It’s resting in Christ because we know He loves us and has made a place for us with Him. It’s trusting that in Him we are always enough. So, this week let’s spend time talking to our King of Kings about what next step He’d have us take in our journey with Him — and do so from our belovedness rather than insecurity. XOXO
- And while it’s not a spiritual practice or rhythm, I invite you to share this site. This is such an important topic that I want as many people as possible to join us here. Together we’ll find support and encouragement and the simple truth that we are not alone in our struggles.
Featured Photo by Gary Bendig on Unsplash.
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