Hidden Identities: Known by Others

A friend recently said something so profound that I’ve been pondering it ever since. If we only, ever talk to God by ourselves, pretty soon our God will start to sound a lot like us.

In other words, we need other believers in our lives – yes, to do life with but, even more so, to do this faith walk with. Because if we don’t do faith-life in community, our worlds and outlooks and growth become really small. Alone, we cannot “motivate one another to acts of love and good works” (Hebrews 10:24 NLT). By ourselves, we miss the whole point of meeting together and encouraging one another (v.25). When ours is the only voice we hear, we get quite good at projecting everything within us onto God.

On the chance that you’re thinking, “Oh, I go to church! I even have a small group (or class or Bible study or book club),” keep reading. We’ll want to discern the difference between sitting in a crowd and being known. 

Created

Maybe you’ve heard the quote, “We were made for community.” And, if you’re easily drained by humans or have been hurt by people in the Church, you may sincerely doubt it. Or maybe life is so full you cannot imagine adding one more thing to your plate. But, here’s the truth:

“Even if you’re an introvert, we all are physically, emotionally, and spiritually hardwired by God for relationship.”¹

For the first time since my twenties, I struggled to find face-to-face community after our move to Texas in 2020. At first, the quiet felt really good because I’d lived such a hectic life as a mom of busy boys and a full-time church-staffer. But about two months in, my heart yearned for people. Painfully so.

I felt in my soul my need for Christian fellowship – friendships, community, all of it.

My relationships over the last four years haven’t had the chance to develop the way they did in our twenty-year Oklahoma home, but God has provided. As Jennie Allen would say, I found my people.¹ But, I’d also say that my isolation and loneliness have made me more aware of just how many people live disconnected lives. Jennie cites that “more than three out of five Americans report being chronically lonely.”¹ 

Somehow the American motto of independence has seeped so deeply into our souls that standing alone has become our core identity.¹ Somehow we’ve gotten so used to pulling into our garages and closing the doors behind us that we don’t realize just how much we’re missing connection with neighbors. Somehow all the fences we’ve erected for security and safety have become the walls to keep friends out.

But that’s not how we were created. First thing at the beginning of God’s story, He says, “let us create man in our image” (Genesis 1:26). “It is not good for man to be alone” (2:18). The God who created us lives in perpetual community – Father, Son, Holy Spirit. And He made us to be like them. Together. 

And what the Trinity models for us is a togetherness that’s self-giving and others-focused.² What our Three-In-One God lives out is perfect love that is mutual and non-abusive. It’s patient and kind; it’s not proud or dishonoring; it’s not envious or easily angered (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). It protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres (v.7).

Take that in, then think about this: “We weren’t just built for community; we were built because of it.”¹ We have been created to be relational. “It’s who we are because it’s who God is.”¹ 

Seen

Throughout her ministry, Jennie Allen often calls psychiatrist, Curt Thompson, to her table because he’s clinically trained to help people navigate life – and because he is a compassionate believer who has made it his life’s work to help people develop authentic relationships so that they can experience the universal, deep longing of being known.³ 

Being known. It begins with allowing ourselves to be seen. Dr. Thompson would say there are three things “every human is looking to be: Seen. Soothed. Safe.”¹ If we allow ourselves to imagine an infant crying alone in her crib, what do we know without the baby speaking her needs? She wants to be noticed, seen! She longs to be held, soothed. And she has a deep need to feel secure, safe.

Those three core needs never change, no matter how old we are. Or what our personality is. Or what our experiences have been.

So, my question becomes – then why do so many adults live isolated? Jennie’s take? “We hide physically because if we aren’t seen, we can’t be known.”¹ In short, we’re scared to be known – afraid of rejection, abandonment, heartbreak…so we hide.

You may know that I love a good Hallmark movie. And one common theme among some plot-lines includes a main character who goes through life with huge walls built around her heart. She lives from a self-preservation posture so that she can avoid future pain. Why? Because she has experienced it in the past. To avoid pain or disappointment or grief, she hides from relationships that would go beneath the surface. 

But, as the story progresses, this lonely woman discovers that in all her hyper-avoidance of suffering, she has missed out on all the joy loving friendships can bring. And, because it’s Hallmark, in the end she takes the risk – she says YES to deeper connection with good people. She starts opening the walls around her heart and lets herself be seen.

Why do a million viewers tune into Hallmark each month? Sure, it might have something to do with us being hopeless romantics. But even more so, it’s because we long for what the main character risks everything to have – true belonging. It feels good and right.

Now, guess who does not want us to take the risk? To let down our walls? To find Christian friends who make us better versions of ourselves? The enemy.

It’s why he spews all the lies at us in the dark cover of night – “you’re destined to be alone.” “Nobody sees you.” “No one wants to be your friend – you’re too messy. Too needy. Too ___.” Then comes the kicker. We start believing the lies and making them a reality. We pull back from people. We even start judging those we love, guarding ourselves “from them as if they were the enemy.”¹ 

Pause here. Please know that I realize these words don’t hit everyone right where they are. But, I guarantee if they’re not true about us, they are for someone we care about. Or – just maybe, this is more true of us than we want to admit…

So. What if, my friends, we start acknowledging that when we live withdrawn, pulled-away…alone, it’s fundamentally wrong. And, it keeps us from living as our True Selves. In our isolated lives, we might “feel comfortable and safe and independent and entertained. But we also feel completely sad.”¹ When we spend our evenings alone on our sofas, just scrolling our screens, we are living the opposite of being seen.¹ 

What if. What if we allowed ourselves to step out of the shadows – to be seen. We take the risk, knowing that sometimes friendships fail. But also knowing that sometimes they take root and flourish – and that it’s worth the risk. We take the step toward someone because we realize and receive the truth that “authentic connection is the thing our souls most crave. Not just as an occasional experience but as a reality woven into every day of our lives.”¹

Known

As we peel ourselves out of our wallflower existence, we’ll quickly realize that we don’t just want to be seen.¹ We want to be known — and by people we can tell anything, who see us at our best and cheer us on, who witness us at our worst and love us anyway.

When we read Scripture, we get a peek into what life was like in the Ancient Near Eastern culture – a patriarchal, tribal, communal society. They were so invested in one another that an underlying tenet of life was “there is no identity in isolation. I am because I belong.”⁴ We see it in Ruth’s story when she leaves everything she’s ever known in order to keep the deep bonds with her mother-in-law intact. We see it in the friendship between Jonathan and David (1 Samuel 18).  We see it in the early Church (Acts 4). 

Even though this “I am because I belong” ideology is rare to find in our society, we do actually have the emotional awareness of its truth.⁴ We feel it when we don’t belong, when we’re the outsider. “We know that isolation is not really who we are.”⁴ 

We know that what we really want…is to be known. 

But what we also need to know is that we have to be wise in going about building friendships of such depth.** And one of the first steps is to acknowledge the unhealthy things we do in place of true community. Things like replacing “intrusive, real conversations with small talk” or substituting “soul-baring, deep, connected living with texts.”¹ We need to recognize when and why we isolate. When and why we build those self-preserving walls. When and why we pretend like everything is fine – when it’s not. 

Such awareness, admission, and understanding about ourselves is always the first step toward wholeness within us and with others. Simultaneously, we want to make sure we’re good and right with our Three-In-One God – because ultimately, He needs to be at the center of our relationships. If we fail to keep God #1 in our hearts, we end up looking “to people to complete and fill what only God was meant to.”¹ 

When Jesus told us to love God and love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30-31), He meant it in that order. So, the more we know and love God and ourselves, the better we’ll be able to allow others behind our walls. Jennie would tell us that when we have God in the right place in our lives, we will be much more likely to find friends who have Him there too. In fact, a solid relationship with our Maker will propel us into loving others well.

When we aren’t living in and with and from community, we’re not living as our True Selves. In fact, Curt Thompson says that if we fail to live seen and known, we’re living within the darkness that shame brings.⁵ It lies to us:

• If anyone really knew you, they’d leave you.
• If people knew what you’ve done, they’d want nothing to do with you.
• If…if…if

Shame builds walls. It keeps us hidden and broken.
Loneliness spirals into depression and actual physical issues like insomnia.⁵ 
Isolation traps us within ourselves. Exactly where our enemy wants us.

When we live from that posture of self-preservation, led by lies and loneliness, we fail to know ourselves as we were meant to be. We perpetuate identity-crisis. We make being ‘independent’ an idol, failing to realize that nearly every single “you” in Scripture is PLURAL – that every instruction to “you” is really to “y’all” because it’s understood and assumed that the Christian life is one that’s lived together (ie: Colossians 3:12-15).

To be truly known is to be our True Selves – nothing hidden or stuffed in the shadows. Together we live in the light of God’s love and truth and grace. To be known by others is to live as we were created – in the image of our Three-In-One God.

Holy Trinity, our understanding of how You’ve created us in your image has awakened new truths about who we are. We recognize that we’re meant to be relational because that’s who You are! We admit that the idea of living vulnerably scares us and confess how easy it has become to live isolated and alone. We’ve substituted in-person connection with devices. We’ve allowed past experiences to push us into self-preservation. We’ve let the enemy’s lies keep us hidden in the shadows of shame and fear. But, when we’re honest with ourselves, we recognize our soul’s craving for connection. We realize just how much we really do want to be known by people who love You as much as we do. We long to grow in our faith, and we know to do so we need the encouragement of others. So, we ask that You would help us assess where we are and what we need. Would You be our wisdom as we navigate the process of reaching out to others? Would You be our courage as we take steps toward tearing down our walls and allowing ourselves to be seen? Thank You for challenging us to step out of our comfort zones so that we can live from our True Selves – in community, known by others. In your holy name we pray, amen.
(inspired by Genesis 1:16, 2:18; Proverbs 18:1; Hebrews 10:24-25; 1 Corinthians 1:24; Joshua 1:9; Colossians 3:12-15)

**Next week I’ll actually carry out this theme of being known a little deeper. But if you want to do a deep dive, I can wholeheartedly recommend Jennie’s books (Find Your People and Get Out of Your Head) or anything by Curt Thompson on the topic of building solid relationships. It’s not something to jump into willy-nilly. We have wisdom on our side, so we should heed it. But having wisdom is not the same as hiding. Playing it safe will never get us what we were created for. We can be smart and take risks. We can listen to Truth instead of lies. We can find our people – and live seen and known and sharpened.

Resources: I love sharing with you the books, podcasts, articles, and anything else that has inspired, encouraged, or taught me. These are humble offerings with no expectations.

• 1 – Jennie Allen’s recent book is titled Find Your People.^ I’m still reading it, but she’s totally onto something huge!!
• 2 – Tim Keller, The Reason for God, 224
• 3 – Quoted from Curt Thompson’s bio on his website
• 4 – Quoted from this article. 
• 5 – Jennie Allen’s book, Get Out of Your Head,^ has an incredible chapter on being known. SO GOOD!
• The opening song on our Hidden Identities playlist, “Made For More” by Josh Baldwin, has an incredible chorus:
  
  I wasn’t made to be tending a grave
  I was called by namе
  Born and raised back to life again
  I was made for morе
  So why would I make a bed in my shame
  When a fountain of grace is running my way
  I know I am Yours
  And I was made for more
  
  Friends, we were made for more than TV-watching and social media scrolling. We were made for community — to be known and loved by others. XOXO
  
• What would YOU like to read about in our next issue of The Abiding Life newsletter? Reply in the comments below or email me directly. Be sure to subscribe here if you’d like to receive future issues.

Rhythms: As my newsletter’s title infers, we seek to develop an abiding life in this space — a place where we can get informed but also be transformed as we learn to abide in God’s presence throughout our days. I like to think that developing rhythms is one way to aid us in our desire to become more Christlike.

• As we lean into the process of learning more about ourselves — our true identities in Christ — we are going to step into the spiritual practice of REST. I’ve discovered in my own journey with isolation and dis-connection that it takes a lot of energy and effort to keep myself in line — whole and holy. But I’d never considered how loneliness contributes to sleeplessness. It makes sense, though. Because, for me, my anxiety goes UP when I’m alone for too long. And all of that ‘managing’ is exhausting. The opposite of restful.
  
  As I’ve experimented with these realities, I’ve discovered how at peace my body and spirit are after spending quality time with those I’m closest with. The connection between us brings life to my weariness. It sparks that sense of knowing self — and God — better. Anxiety lessens and sleep comes more easily. And, then the JOY! I’ve actually heard myself say, “Being with my friends is good for my soul.” And I believe it actually is.
  
  So, this week, let’s release all our fears to our Father. Let’s lay down our self-preserving tendencies at our Savior’s feet. Let’s look to the Spirit for the peace we need to find rest in our Three-In-One God. It all starts with Him, and in His kindness, He’ll lead us one step at a time toward fuller fellowship.
   

• And while it’s not a spiritual practice or rhythm, I invite you to share this site. This is such an important topic that I want as many people as possible to join us here. Together we’ll find support and encouragement and the simple truth that we are not alone in our struggles.

Featured Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash.
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