Pursue Holiness: Gentleness and Self-Control

The English language can be a lot of fun, especially when we use words and phrases figuratively to convey an idea that would make no sense in any other culture. We use these idioms most naturally because we’ve grown up around them, but for those who haven’t been soaked in their not-literal sense, figurative language can be confusing.

Case in point: During his kindergarten year, my youngest son had two dear friends who happened to be girls. His older brothers were quite impressed, giving him the coveted title, ‘chick magnet’. Only, this five-year-old took offense at such a name because he totally missed its meaning, defiantly throwing back at his brothers, “I am not a chicken nugget!”

So as not to offend or confuse anyone, I ease into a use of idioms for today’s exploration of our final two fruits of the Spirit, gentleness and self-control. Sometimes when we want to express the idea of gentleness, we might use the idiom, “gentle as a lamb,” or for self-control, “a bull in a china closet” – two figurative phrases that help us picture in our minds what it looks like to be gentle or to lack total self-control.

I don’t know if it’s because ‘gentleness’ and ‘self-control’ are at the end of a long list of Jesus-like character traits and our brains are done thinking, but it seems to me that we often get the intent behind these two ‘fruits’ incorrect. We have that picture of a sweet little lamb for gentleness and think that couldn’t be descriptive of everyone; it feels timid and helpless. Or, we hold the idea behind self-control as grit-and-determination that we muster up by our own will power in an attempt not to go crashing into all the breakable things in our lives.

And so, we move into today’s exploration carrying both idioms and misplaced assumptions in our hands loosely so that we might release what is false and receive all that is true. We can train ourselves to live wholly by the Spirit dwelling in us, discovering that with His power and help, we can move through life with great intention and strength like tamed bulls and with boldness and poise, like lambs living with purpose.

Gentleness, Kinda Like a Lamb

Lambs are cute and sweet, docile and generally quiet. They pose no threat to anyone and completely depend on shepherds to protect, guide, and at times, carry them. Few people fit this description. Most of us are loud and independently minded; we resist the need to rely on anyone else’s provision or protection. We certainly can use our voices, facial expressions, hands, and various other parts to threaten and even hurt others – whether we mean to or not. Many of us feel as though we clumsily clamor our way through life with our words and uncoordinated bodies. In other words, we do not feel gentle. At all.

And if we’re honest, we assume gentleness is weakness. Undesirable. Avoided.

Yet, Jesus self-describes as “gentle and humble in heart” (Matthew 11:29), so there must be more to ‘gentleness’ than what we’ve believed. After all, this is the God-Man who wielded a whip in the Temple courts and called out the hypocrisy of the Pharisees, standing His holy-ground most powerfully.

Digging into the Greek word for ‘gentleness’, we discover its meaning “involves acting tenderly or softly and having an attitude of humility.”¹ Pretty much what we assumed. This gentle demeanor is clearly observable in the way Jesus calls the children to Himself, moves toward the sick and hurting and lost, and rides into Jerusalem on a lowly colt of a donkey (rather than on a mighty stallion with great fanfare).

It’s when we dive a little deeper into the original language that we realize ‘gentleness’ also expresses “interior strength under Holy Spirit control.”² To be gentle is to be poised in our disposition – not cowering and timid. It is to gladly submit to God’s will, tapping into His power within us for the good of others. Gentleness, as a fruit of God’s Spirit, stands in “contrast to human anger, rivalry, and self-assertion.”²

Jesus, the One who always has been, demonstrates this trait of gentleness that, of course, is found in God the Father. The Father can, at once, be like the lion who growls as He fights on Mount Zion and the birds that hover overhead as a shield for Jerusalem (Isaiah 31:4-5). His strength is more obvious as the lion, but even as He cares for His people, we witness that same power.¹ Similarly, God can show up in the loud earthquakes and blazing fires, but He also can be found in quiet whispers (1 Kings 19:12). In other words, God isn’t just sheer force; there’s a gentleness about Him.

Jesus simply carries out this truth of God’s nature, reminding us “that true power is revealed not by dominating others with violent might but by caring for others and setting them free.”² Jesus demonstrates a gentle spirit that sustains an inward posture of humility and power, of grace and truth. He becomes our means for seeing not only what God is like but how we can be, as well. Humble. Patient. Gentle (Ephesians 4:2; Colossians 3:12).

So as we read the New Testament with all of its calls to be gentle people, we can trust that God is not asking us to be doormats for the bullies of the world (Philippians 4:5). ‘Gentleness’ holds great strength, affording us a humble confidence that enables us to keep holy, helpful boundaries and maintain a spirit of peace, kindness, and love. This is how we can be called to confront wrongdoers with a heart for restoration, not with force but with the spirit of gentleness (Galatians 6:1).

So while we can keep the image of being as gentle as lambs, the better picture for us to cling to is the Lamb of God, the One who inherently embodies all that gentleness is meant to be – humility and strength for the good of all, which is sourced by the Spirit in us.

Self-Controlled, Not Bulls in a China Closet

If we take the time to picture an actual bull trying to make his way through a closet or room full of fragile dishes, we see an angry, horned beast forcefully making his own path with no thought to the chaos or damage he creates. With every crash and shattered piece of pottery, we witness the lack of self-control on full display. And we cringe.

Well, at least, I cringe – because I’ve been that bull who lets anger get the first and final word in a conversation, leaving a wake of destruction behind me.

Of course, anger is not the only emotion fueling unrestrained, damaging actions. Sometimes it’s fear or anxiety that pushes us to lose self-control. Other times the overwhelm of life’s stresses causes us to act before we think. Even sadness, helplessness, or depression can override our ability to inhibit self-destructive behaviors.

One thing we can trust, however, is that Jesus never – not once – modeled this loss of self-control. Because He always, always relied on Holy Spirit in Him, every word He spoke and every action He took were calculated and controlled. Even in anger, Jesus never gave-in to rage and its fiery devastation. He shows us what it looks like to live from Spirit-led self-control.

The Greek word for the spiritual fruit of self-control, egkrateia, describes the way Holy Spirit gives believers mastery over our desires, impulses, and habits that would otherwise rule over us.³ Self-control is not merely strict self-denial or extreme abstinence “but a grace-driven capacity to bring every faculty under the lordship of Jesus Christ for holy living and effective service.”³

There’s good reason for ‘self-control’ to be listed as the final trait of the Fruit of the Spirit because it “functions as a capstone virtue that safeguards” the other eight fruits.³ It’s like a wall that keeps the other fruits within that healthy boundary, protected from sinful impulses and a lack of discipline (Proverbs 25:28). Without self-control, for instance, patience gives way to impulsive thoughts, peace and joy are swallowed up by inner strife and anxieties, love and kindness get lost in fluctuating emotions, faithfulness and goodness fail in obedience, and even gentleness loses all self-restraint.

When Paul tells us that we will not succumb to the tyranny of “the desires of our flesh” if we “walk in the Spirit,” he’s urging us toward living in the freedom that comes with Spirit-given self-control (Galatians 5:16). He’s showing us how we go about doing things like presenting our bodies as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1), moving through life with governed tongues and emotions (James 3:1-12; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5), and giving our all to the pursuit of holiness in lieu of giving-in to our cravings and impulses (1 Timothy 6:6-10; Titus 1:12-13; Ephesians 4:26).³

Constantly pursuing holiness keeps our eyes on Jesus, our minds aligned with God, and our flesh-desires within the walls of God’s strength and grace and self-control. This is what Jesus means when says, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me” (Matthew 16:24 NLT, emphasis mine). ‘Denying ourselves’ is not about beating ourselves up, hiding in our homes, or living off bread and water. It’s about moving ourselves out from under our own lordship and putting Jesus on the throne of our lives.

It’s impressive the way Paul structures this list of Christ-like traits he calls ‘fruit’. Love, the initial bookend, sources and motivates everything we are and do and have while the back-end bookend, self-control, keeps all of it in-check, giving us stability while granting us the inner discipline to live our lives with actual spiritual fruit.

These ‘fruits’ that grow within us continually influence and impact one another – like the way “self-control is the Holy Spirit-empowered, internal governance of love.”⁴ Or the way the absence of “gentleness always precedes the fiery invasion of the loss of self-control.”⁴

Thus, we note that “gentleness comes before self-control because it is prerequisite to it.”⁴ When we give Holy Spirit space to do His deep work in our inner-most beings, we are better able to receive His healing and wholeness. We can quit trying to control our broken selves and, instead, attune our hearts to the Spirit’s gentle whispers. In this way, we first learn gentleness toward ourselves, then “this deeply inward gentleness flourishes into an outward bearing self-control toward others.”⁴

Friends, our pursuit of holiness is learning to walk in and by the Spirit in such a way that we are transformed by Him. All the inner work of the Spirit bears fruit – spiritual fruit that shapes us from the inside-out until we look and love like Jesus, walking as gently as lambs through any china store on the planet with great self-control and humility.

So, as God once spoke over all humanity, I speak over you again: go forth into this world; “be fruitful and multiply” in all that you do (Genesis 1:28). Because with Holy Spirit in you, you can do the works Jesus did, and “even greater things,” with all the love and peace and joy, all the patience and kindness and goodness, all the faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control that He possesses (John 14:12; Galatians 5:22-23).

Father God, it helps us to see You as One who is gentle and self-controlled. Even in your anger, You never lose your temper; You never lose control. And while we do not feel capable of being gentle or self-controlled most of the time, we are recognizing that when we rely on Holy Spirit, these fruit flow from within. We don’t have to force anything or try to be something that we are not. In Christ, we have everything we need – all the strength, all the wisdom, all the grace to live as gently and strong as the Lamb of God in a world that needs both. We also confess that too often we try to live as lords of our own lives, so we ask, Jesus, that You would move in, that You would sit upon the throne of our lives as Lord of Lords. Lead us in the way of self-control, helping us to be, first, gentle with ourselves and then controlled with others. Thank You, Holy Spirit, for always being present and willing to heal us and lead us in the ways that we should go. Help us to continue living from love in all we do so that peace and joy and patience fill us and flow from us to others. With your love as our source, we know that our kindness and goodness and faithfulness are not only possible but impactful for the good of everyone we meet. And so it is that we surrender our lives to You, once again, seeking to live with gentle, controlled spirits as we love on the people You put in our paths. With You in us, Holy Spirit, all things are possible – especially spiritually fruitful lives. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.
(inspired by Isaiah 31:4-5; Galatians 5:16,22-23, 6:1; Matthew 11:29, 16:24, 19:26; Romans 10:9, 14:7-8; Ephesians 4:2; 2 Peter 1:5-7)

Resources: I love sharing with you the books, podcasts, articles, and anything else that has inspired, encouraged, or taught me. These are humble offerings with no expectations.

• 1 – BibleProject article on “The Fruit of the Spirit”
• 2 – BibleHub for prautes, or ‘gentleness’
• 3 – BibleHub on the Greek word for self-control as listed in Galatians 5:23
• 4 – JD Walt’s Wake Up Call post on Gentleness and Self-Control, 11/30/2022
• There are two more songs on our Spotify playlist, Pursue Holiness that round out our nine spiritual fruit songs. First, it’s RYM’s song that flows like a prayer, asking Jesus to make us “Gentle and Lowly.” Then there’s Ma Cecilia Alfonso’s song, “Self-Control in the Image of Christ,” that speaks over us all sorts of Scripture about what it looks like to live in the Image of God who reigns within us. “Let self-control like armor be formed in me.” Amen!
• Many of you have found me on Substack. Thank you so much! And, if you’d like to listen to (rather than read) these weekly posts, you can do so there. It’s easy to see and use the audio bar across the top of each post. Feel free to share with friends anything that the Lord speaks to you in this space. XOXO
• My monthly newsletter, The Abiding Life, goes to email inboxes the first week of each month to those who have subscribed on my website. I also post them on Substack. My most recent edition can be found there, and you can subscribe for future newsletters on Substack, here.

Rhythms: As my newsletter’s title infers, we seek to develop an abiding life in this space — a place where we can get informed but also be transformed as we learn to abide in God’s presence throughout our days. I like to think that developing rhythms is one way to aid us in our desire to become more Christlike.

• As we progress in this fall series, we’ll be talking more and more about the rhythms we can engage in as the ‘means of grace’. Such rhythms are not tools to earn grace or holiness; rather, they’re active disciplines we enter into with Holy Spirit; they’re ways or places we can be transformed by God’s holiness. Very simply, the ‘means of grace’ are outward practices we employ in order to be more fully shaped by God’s life; they are the ‘means’ to being and living holy.
  
  An eighth ‘means of grace’ practice is to visit those who are sick and those who are in prison. It’s easy for me to see how I would need great gentleness to do either of those — not only so that I have a gentle spirit but also the strength. Self-control is a must, as well, or fear might get the better of me. How about you?

• We’re all called to share the truth about who Jesus is. One way you can do that is by sharing this site and telling others your own stories of faith experiences. May we use our whole selves to tell others about our holy God!!

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“All the Bits and Pieces” Photo by Victoria Soldaska on Unsplash.
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