Hidden Agendas: God

I wanted to attend my first New Room Conference so much that when my friend couldn’t go at the last minute, I still went. Alone. With great anticipation, I packed and drove myself to the airport. Without hesitation, I picked up my rental car and navigated Nashville – just me and the GPS. But something happened to all that excitement and courage the moment I stepped into the overflowing sanctuary for that first session.

Fear took hold. 

So I hid. I quietly tucked myself under the balcony on the last row of pews – where other ‘singles’ and young families parked themselves safely away from the crowds. And prying eyes.

The worship songs effectively pulled me out of myself and helped me shift my focus onto the One I so desperately sought. Not long after the opening talks began, I resented that I’d put myself so far from those who spoke of the Spirit I craved. My regret pushed me to make a deal with myself – that with every session, I would not only move forward but I’d sit in a new section, open to whatever God had for me. 

And while my initial awareness of this truth occurred as I hid myself on the back row, I still didn’t fully grasp the depths of fear in me. But I got a clearer clue when a stranger, who worshiped next to me, suddenly hugged me and spoke a prophetic word in my ear, “Don’t be afraid.” That’s all she said. It’s all she needed to say.

Admittedly, at first, I was taken aback because I thought I’d gotten over my ‘fear’ by leaving the back row – ha. But, as I pondered the message, it dawned on me that God was pulling out all the stops to show me fear’s deeper hold. 

I could tell a lot of stories about how the Spirit moved during my first New Room, but I think they all worked together to help me recognize how I had been allowing fear to be a primary motivator. Somehow over the years, I’d let fear become my unwitting hidden agenda. 

Even now I begin to understand that not all hidden agendas are of the ‘selfish ambition’ sort – but also the self-preserving kind.

Whys

Since my experiences at that first New Room, God has been faithful in His pursuit of me. Within a few months, God gifted me with a startling vision of a potted plant being pulled up to reveal its roots as it was moved to a new pot full of fresh soil. Somehow, I knew I was the plant and that God’s hand was uprooting me from the soil of fear; He desired to replant me in His love.

Another year passed, and the world was in lockdown when I picked up a book I’d been dabbling in for months. The exercise that night elicited in my mind’s eye the picture of an ancient key. It took a while for me to unlock what God was trying to tell me, but in the end I understood these truths – He is the key to unlocking the shackles of fear. He is the key to freedom.

Three extremely unique and attention-grabbing experiences with God solidified my desire to live rooted in God’s love rather than fear. However, my focus in those early days zeroed-in on my behaviors – the ‘what’ of fear. I’ve since discovered that the layer God really wanted to peel back was not the ‘what’ but the ‘why’ – the deeper, more hidden motivations that cause me to respond and react. 

Of course, the perfectionist in me has a hard time a) admitting that too often fear has the reins and b) accepting that the challenge of moving from fear to God’s love as my place of rootedness, to some degree, will be lifelong. 

God is so faithful, though! He doesn’t reveal our shackles then abandon us. No, He meets us at every layer and level. His kindness has been His mercy and long-suffering in all of my missteps. His goodness has been His consistent message of love. Just this year, God gave me this:

“God is often more interested in why we do what we do, than what we’re actually doing. ‘Why’ goes beyond what is obvious at surface level and pierces to the unseen depths of our motivations.”  

Anna Grace Legband¹

When we observe Jesus calling out the spiritual leaders of His day, He’s pointing out their “distorted whys,” such as “self-exaltation, self-righteousness, and self-indulgence.”¹ But these self-centered motives hid behind self-glorifying behaviors like prayer and fasting (Matthew 6:1-18). Just as He desired in His day, Jesus wants us to go beyond behavior to look at our hearts! And yet, that feels a bit scary. Vulnerable. And painful.

Anna Grace addresses such muddled feelings and thoughts:

“God is in the business of bringing about the restoration of all things. Honest recognition of our ‘why’ is a step toward experiencing more of the freedom and wholeness Jesus offers.”

Anna Grace Legband¹

God isn’t about shaming us. He’s certainly not in it to condemn us (Romans 8:1). He’s in this to restore us, and as Anna Grace said, to bring us freedom and wholeness. Armed with these truths, I’ve been reflecting on Anna Grace’s words and, one by one, naming the feelings that have been lurking in the darkness. Such a practice helps me uncover the hidden ‘whys’ of my heart. 

I’ve discovered that the act of identifying all the fear, selfish ambition, control, self-preservation, and pride can let loose waves of shame – which become their own kind of shackles. So, we cannot stop at naming them. We also need to bring them to God. 

Instead of letting shame have its way, we receive God’s love by remaining with Him – hidden in Christ. We keep naming the feelings and ‘whys’, then lay them at His feet as an act of release.

For decades I had been convicted by the truth of my own selfishness, but I never slowed down to dig beneath the surface to get to the ‘whys’. The day I read Anna Grace’s words, I knew it was time to pick up the courage God offers and enter into the bittersweet work of breaking up the hardened topsoil of my heart. It was time to get beyond the behaviors and dig up my hidden agendas – so that I could root myself in God’s love (Ephesians 3:17).

Tools 

Often it’s with hindsight that we realize God’s been working all along. That He’s gone before us to prepare the way.

Such has been my journey into revealing and releasing my hidden motivations.

Four years before my experiences at New Room, I sent myself off – to Nashville, haha – for a women’s leadership workshop.² Nineteen of us came together twice within a year to learn, grow, and renew our passion for ministry. It was here that I was first introduced to the Enneagram.³  

I’d not had much luck with personality tests in the past, but the Enneagram pegged me. I went to sleep the night I did the assessment pleased that I was a “Helper.”

But, the Enneagram’s uniqueness lies in the fact that it digs beneath behaviors to look for motivations. And being ‘helpful’ is merely behavior. So when I learned of the “Two’s” motives, I began to wiggle. And wrestle.

• I didn’t like learning that my core motivation is to feel loved and appreciated. It felt so selfish…
• And I really didn’t like discovering that my core fear (and every type has one) is that of losing love – another huge motivator.

After my initial reticence, I chose to pick up my journal instead of my novel while on the flight home. I popped on my headphones, playing “Oceans” on repeat, and began pouring out my angst.

In the middle of my fiery scribbles, God stopped me in my tracks. He showed me – with an actual example in my parenting – how I’d been letting fear push me away from setting boundaries, from fear of losing the love of my son. I sat shocked for a long time, processing what God had just revealed when a floodgate opened as motives that lay so hidden for so long came to light.

Speed ahead to those months following my first New Room experience, and the Enneagram came back into my life full steam as our church staff dove deep into our types and motives. We hoped to take what we were learning to better love each other. And lead together. 

The Enneagram became a tool to help us to better understand how fear pushes us to act in ways we do not desire. And there is such power in being able to do this work with others, being vulnerable with compassionate believers who also seek to grow in their faith by uncovering their own hidden motivations.

To this day, I simply marvel at the way God went before me, peeling back that first layer of self-preserving motivation in 2014, so that I’d be ready to look under another layer with my fellow staffers years later. 

So that I’d be equipped to continue the work now.

I know this post has been a lot more about my experiences and less about Philippians or Scripture in general, but it’s been revelatory for me to put all the pieces together to see how God works in His own hidden ways – for our good and for the good of His kingdom.

You see, when we’re healthier versions of ourselves who better understand our hidden agendas and motivations, we can better respond to the situations that tend to trigger our habitual reactions. When we see ourselves in the light of Christ, we can choose to live like Him – rooted and established in love. Not fear. Or shame or pride or any other hidden motivator. 

It has helped me to accept that “some ‘whys’ don’t go away as easily—things like selfish ambition, control, insecurity, and pride. But they hold less power and influence over us every time they are brought into the light.”¹ 

It has also helped me to be obedient in the call to immerse myself in God’s Word – because His truths bring light. 

“You have set our iniquities before you,
    our secret sins in the light of your presence.”

Psalm 90:8 NIV

God’s very being is light. When we live hidden in Christ, that light shines on us and in us. It reveals. And restores.

“God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin.”

1 John 1:5-7 NLT

God’s Word brings the light of truth into our lives. And when we choose to put ourselves in the light, with a little effort and a lot of honesty, the process of being made whole continues.

Friends, it’s time to stop hiding. It’s time to come into God’s light – for God has given us absolutely everything we need to enter into this work of revealing our self-preserving motivations. If Jesus’ life demonstrates one thing it’s that God. Is. Love. It might not always be a touchy-feely kind of love that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy. Sometimes Love desires to do the hard work of uprooting things like fear – so that we can then root ourselves in our Father’s love. This is kingdom building work. This is learning to like to live like Jesus – and for God. So, let’s join Paul and pray:

Heavenly Father, when we think of all this, we fall to our knees and pray to You, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. We pray that from your glorious, unlimited resources You will empower us with inner strength through your Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in our hearts as we trust in Him. Our roots will grow down into your love and keep us strong. And may we have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep your love is. May we experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then we will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.
(modification of Ephesians 3:14-21 NLT)

Philippians: This week I reread the opening chapter of Philippians and discovered anew ten truths that become the tools we need to live free from our self-preserving hidden agendas.

1. It’s never too late – because “he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).
2. We all need and share in God’s grace (v.7).
3. Because of Jesus we are filled with the fruit of righteousness – for God’s glory (v.11).
4. We can be confident in the Lord; we can do all He asks without fear (v.14).
5. Because…God provides us with the Holy Spirit (v.19).
6. In Christ we have no shame – but courage (v.20)!
7. To live is Christ (v.21)!
8. We can stand firm in the Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel – without fear (vv.27-28)!
9. Because…we are saved by God (v.28).
10. Because…we believe in Christ and suffer for Him (v.29).

Resources: I love sharing with you the books, podcasts, articles, and anything else that has inspired, encouraged, or taught me. These are humble offerings with no expectations.

• 1 – Wake Up Call, Anna Grace Legband, 2/5/24
• 2 – Jenni Catron’s “Women in Leadership” workshops have evolved but they continue to equip and encourage women in all forms of leadership.
• 3 – The Enneagram is an ancient personality typing ‘system’ that identifies nine core traits – of which Jesus fully possessed all nine. We too have bits and pieces of all nine types but have one that is dominant. I love the Enneagram and the way its truths don’t just pigeonhole us into a box but help us become healthier in our motivations and responses…and more compassionate in the world. If you’ve never done any work by way of the Enneagram, I couldn’t recommend it more. Here are some resources:
  • An introductory video by Your Enneagram Coach, Beth McCord
  • An incredible book that gives the basics for each type by Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile, The Road Back to You.^
  • A most helpful podcast with years of episodes that you can scroll through to focus on the types and topics you want to learn more about, The Enneagram Journey by Suzanne Stabile
• Our current playlist, “Hidden Agendas,” might be loaded on the heavy side with songs about selfish ambition. But when you listen more carefully, many lyrics contain nods to our self-preservation tendencies — like building walls (“Tremble”) or hiding in fear (“Frontiers”). And promises for God’s love to overcome our fears (“Frontiers”) and to keep pursuing us (“Crazy Love”) fill our hearts and minds with truths we need to remain open to all that God has for us, to receive His healing love. And they help us live with holy conviction that “Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all” (“The Wonderful Cross”).
• I’ll be posting another “Teacup Video” this Wednesday to unpack an element in this week’s blog. Last week I told the story of how I landed on doing “teacup videos” — it wasn’t my idea! And the thought of doing weekly videos pushed me to dig into my deeper motives. You can find all the videos on my Facebook Author Page and Instagram — and…my new YouTube ‘channel’!
• I can’t believe we’re coming up to the end of another month — and that means another issue of my newsletter, The Abiding Life, will be coming out soon! If you have any questions you’d like answered or topics you want to go a little deeper on, please let me know. Email me here. Here’s to living this abiding life with Christ — and each other! Be sure to subscribe for future issues here.

Rhythms: As my newsletter’s title infers, we seek to develop an abiding life in this space — a place where we can get informed but also be transformed as we learn to abide in God’s presence throughout our days. I like to think that developing rhythms is one way to aid us in our desire to become more Christlike. In this series, we’re putting into practice the rhythm of repentance.

I wonder what your experiences of repentance have been. Do you ever find yourself struggling to break a cycle of sin, like that of allowing fear to reign on the throne of your heart? It’s important that as we confess/name these hidden agendas/motivations that we also ask the Lord to help us replace old habits (that have deep grooves in our brains) with new ones.

Repentance is more than confession. It’s speaking the sin AND it’s turning from it — even if it’s one degree at a time. And if you’re anything like me, this process can be frustrating. I’m likely to think to myself that something must be wrong with me because I’ve already repented of fear’s hold on me. I’ve already asked for the Spirit to be my strength and God to be my perfect love, yet I still seem to battle fear’s influence on me. Friends, let’s grab hold of the truth that Anna Grace gave us: these deeply rooted ‘whys’ require more time, perseverance, and grace.

• So, this week, let’s name the hidden motivator that has the greatest influence on us right now. And let’s begin the practice of laying it at Jesus’ feet, repeating truths from His Word, and receiving God’s love and grace. Then, we keep breathing. We keep at it.
• And while it’s not a spiritual practice or rhythm, I invite you to share this site. It’s my most sincere hope that what we explore here together will encourage others to step more fully and deeply in their walks with Christ.

Featured Photo by Emmanuel Phaeton on Unsplash. “All the Bits and Pieces” photo by Sahand Babali on Unsplash.